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en la rabia se encuentra tristeza y saudade. this was written in an era of such emotions, and is a product of their realization. through the fire steel is forged; and the rage of healing is no less hot than the pain of its creation.


2 Dec 2021

you were my first and deepest love

the way I learned to love from you

was the way in which I loved you

we scrape each others skin

layers peel and flake friction

until what is left of point of

contact is raw red

your favorite color

warm was always so red with you

my first boyfriend's favorite color was red

a bright red of sharp and immediate pain

red was still poppies with you, then ,

in a dusty tan vase on the dining

room table

or in the reflection of soapy

bathwater from a tub I could

hardly imagine fitting in anymore

board by board you were pried from me

nails bending splinters creaking

often I wonder when a new floor

will be installed, or if there was

ever a house at all

or if it was just my memory

of your arms of the towering wall

of your smooth back against my face

you were my greatest love

the red that flowed through my

veins your shade, the smell and

feel of your hair in my tiny fingers,

in my tiny nose

to say you were my world is more than cliché

you were my eyes

without you no world would there

be to perceive

you were my breath

without you how could there be

an I

my lips miss the feel of your cheek

once warm supple and inviting

in my love I search for you

I am still searching

I have trouble letting go

just as I cling to your phantom

in the violet hour

in the pluck of metal strings

I retreat to an apartment from

your happily forgotten past...

but I am there

I am there in the corner

in the folds of your twin sized sheets

holding to the black

textured railing of my bunk bed

watching your forehead in the rearview

from the back seat of your purple honda

my softness for you now hides

in desperate rage-fueled tears

in the bottom of a rum-filled mug

in the 5th cloud of smoke

at the base of my spine

you were divine.

the very thought of you could make

me cry

the very thought of you does

my mind spins

I wish to escape you

but I am left in New Jersey

Did you know that I held you above

everything? Everything.


The worst heartbreak I've ever

known, repeated over decades

its iterations evolving

until they no longer even needed

to include you

my core is fractured

and I resent that you are the

only thing on my mind even now

more than half a month deep in a

spell of depression

more than half a life deep

in a spell of your absence

I am my own person now

but I always have been

I am much to you

but allow me a space of Me in your heart

you are too much to me

though I tear at my very flesh

trying to rip you from my stomach

I cannot

do not show me how easy it was

for you to do so of me

same as my father


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