en la rabia se encuentra tristeza y saudade. this was written in an era of such emotions, and is a product of their realization. through the fire steel is forged; and the rage of healing is no less hot than the pain of its creation.
2 Dec 2021
you were my first and deepest love
the way I learned to love from you
was the way in which I loved you
we scrape each others skin
layers peel and flake friction
until what is left of point of
contact is raw red
your favorite color
warm was always so red with you
my first boyfriend's favorite color was red
a bright red of sharp and immediate pain
red was still poppies with you, then ,
in a dusty tan vase on the dining
room table
or in the reflection of soapy
bathwater from a tub I could
hardly imagine fitting in anymore
board by board you were pried from me
nails bending splinters creaking
often I wonder when a new floor
will be installed, or if there was
ever a house at all
or if it was just my memory
of your arms of the towering wall
of your smooth back against my face
you were my greatest love
the red that flowed through my
veins your shade, the smell and
feel of your hair in my tiny fingers,
in my tiny nose
to say you were my world is more than cliché
you were my eyes
without you no world would there
be to perceive
you were my breath
without you how could there be
an I
my lips miss the feel of your cheek
once warm supple and inviting
in my love I search for you
I am still searching
I have trouble letting go
just as I cling to your phantom
in the violet hour
in the pluck of metal strings
I retreat to an apartment from
your happily forgotten past...
but I am there
I am there in the corner
in the folds of your twin sized sheets
holding to the black
textured railing of my bunk bed
watching your forehead in the rearview
from the back seat of your purple honda
my softness for you now hides
in desperate rage-fueled tears
in the bottom of a rum-filled mug
in the 5th cloud of smoke
at the base of my spine
you were divine.
the very thought of you could make
me cry
the very thought of you does
my mind spins
I wish to escape you
but I am left in New Jersey
Did you know that I held you above
everything? Everything.
Everyone.
The worst heartbreak I've ever
known, repeated over decades
its iterations evolving
until they no longer even needed
to include you
my core is fractured
and I resent that you are the
only thing on my mind even now
more than half a month deep in a
spell of depression
more than half a life deep
in a spell of your absence
I am my own person now
but I always have been
I am much to you
but allow me a space of Me in your heart
you are too much to me
though I tear at my very flesh
trying to rip you from my stomach
I cannot
do not show me how easy it was
for you to do so of me
same as my father